Saturday, September 17, 2011

Where is the CONTROVERSY!?

You know how the characters in Stepford Wives go loco when they realize that when everything is perfect, it sometimes sucks the big one? Well, that is kind of the situation in Sweden. Everything is so....right.

For example, to say hello to someone is "Hej" or "Hej, hey". And for those that do not speak this Scandanavian tongue and/or know how to pronounce a word that ends in a "j", you pronounce it as if you were saying "Hey!". Not that I am a cunning linguist or anything, but the US uses such salutations as a greeting between friends, often after a brief term of absence. It demonstrates longing, surprise and genuine glee. Well that is how everyone greets everyone here. Imagine walking around and the grumpy plumber walks up to the disgruntled motorcycle gang and they say, "HEY!". That would be weird right? You would say, "how are they such fast friends? and why are they saying something so un-masculine is hey?". It's like the joke we have,

"What does a gay horse eat?..

So that is just a teaser of what it is like. Everyone is equal here, egalitarianism is public frenemy #1. Cross the street only when it shows green, take a number at the electronics store so everyone is served in the exact order they came into the store, only buy alcohol at government regulated stores, only rent your apartment if you have authorization from the housing authority. These are the rules they live by. And sure, it is nice to walk around at 3a.m. with the only fear of crime is that someone might j-walk, but in the end the Deputy often finds his inner monologue screaming, WHERE IS THE CONTROVERSY!

Where is the black market? Where are the secret sales? Where's the cheap mexican taco stand that doesn't have a permit, ergo is CHEAP? Where are these things? Not here.

But oh the deputy may complain, but only for as long as it takes a beautiful Swede to pass him by. I'm talking beautiful, like models. Tall, blonde, in shape, tan (but like pale people that actually can tan, see it's perfect here). They are all fashionable and care about their appearance. You have to wear a blazer to go to the grocery store or else people are going to be wondering what welfare plan you are on. But in actuality they won't! I could walk past a Swede with a giant sex toy taped to my forehead screaming, "Macaroni and cheese ate my grandmother's pet eel!" and no one would even blink. It is because, along the same vein as this egalitarian mantra, nothing phases a Swede because they don't care. They don't care about differences because they don't care about differences. SO PERFECT! Ugh.

I feel like the Deputy needs to pollute some waters a la Reese Witherspoon in Pleasantville, turning the blonde masses into horrifically tainted zombies. Thoughts?

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